Friday, October 31, 2008

The Law of the Garbage Truck

I was looking through my mail after I got home from work yesterday and happened upon this coming month's newsletter from my church. I scanned through the usual thank you's and congratulations in there.... info about dinners to raise money for various other churches, etc. As I got to the middle of the newsletter I saw the words "Law of the Garbage Truck" and it piqued my curiosity. Here is what the item from The Country Register of Michigan had to say:

"One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches!

The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us.

My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly. So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!' This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dum and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so... love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't. Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!

Have a blessed, garbage-free day!"

Halloween is Coming

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night... when behind him he hears:

Bump...

BUMP...

BUMP...


Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...


Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...


He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...


on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)


The coffin stops.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Grandma's Letter

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ' For the love of God! ' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle fingerstuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon.

Love, Grandma

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Boo



Guess What? I've been Boo-ed!
Oh what great fun!
I came home from work and fed the girls and did a little bit of this and a little bit of that... and then I sat down at my computer to see if I had any emails from my friends. Lo and behold, there was Carol over at the delightful http://charliandme.blogspot.com/ that dropped me this little surprise!
Now I am supposed to Boo as many friends as I can. I am very excited! Hee, Hee, Hee.....
Here are the rules: "Go to as many friends as you want and tell them they've been Boo-ed."
Have them link back to your blog to pick up their Halloween treat (picture) and tell them to Boo their friends. (Then put the picture in your side bar so everyone knows you've already been Boo-ed and to send the picture to someone else.)
Are you scared yet!!??
Boo!
I have to get going..... I have a lot of Boo-ing to do...

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

United States Map

A father wanted to read a magazine but was being bothered by his little girl, Shelby. She wanted to know what the United States looked like.

Finally, he tore a sheet out of his new magazine on which was printed the map of the country. Tearing it into small pieces, he gave it to Shelby, and said, 'Go into the other room and see if you can put this together. This will show you our whole country today.'

After a few minutes, Shelby returned and handed him the map, correctly fitted and taped together. The father was surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly.

'Oh,' she said, 'on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got all of Jesus back where He belonged, then our country just came together.'

This one is worthy forwarding... OVER AND OVER AGAIN...... AMEN!!!!!

Thanks, Linda!

Monday, October 27, 2008

So Cute!


Happy Blustery Autumn Day!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Priceless

Lipstick in School (Priceless!)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there wi th the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had be en to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers .. and then there are educators.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Friday, October 24, 2008

Happy Birthday, Scooter!


He's five today!
Love, Grandma McIntire XOXO

Chewing Gum


Thursday, October 23, 2008

Potato

Well, A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, And finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they Called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland, and the Greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw!

Mr. And Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.......


Are you ready for this?


Are you sure?


* * OK! Here it is! * *



* * A COMMONTATER * *

Thanks, Bill!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Fall Splendor


I don't remember where I got this, but when I saved it a gazillion years ago I saved it as judithann_Fall Splendor. It's one of my favorites.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The Gold Card...


The lovely Faith over at http://grandmafaith.blogspot.com/ has bestowed a most unique award on me!

She is absolutely a delight and has the coolest cow collection EVER! Stop by and pay her a visit!

The award comes with the following rules:

You may choose five people/blogs to give the award to.

Four have to be dedicated followers of your blog.

One has to be a new follower of your blog or live in another part of the world.

To share in the generosity and spirit of giving, I am in turn presenting this Gold Card to the following recipients:

and the lovely and effervescent Deanne (who happens to live in Tokyo) over at http://sushizume.com/

Thank you, Faith!
There are many, many of my blogging friends that should have this award bestowed on them. When you stop by, please feel free to place it on your blog and give it to others. It's VERY hard to pick just four!

We Is Friends...


Monday, October 20, 2008

Kids Are Quick

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Kids Are Quick

(Thanks, Frank!)

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Sack Lunches

This story was copied from a magazine called 'Renewed & Ready.'

What a story it is, by Beverly Brass as told to her by Denny Kukich of Wood Dale, Illinois ....

I put my carry-on in the luggage compartment and sat down in my assigned seat. It was going to be a long flight. 'I'm glad I have a good book to read. Perhaps I will get a short nap,' I thought. I fly frequently, and I always look for an opportunity to share Jesus with someone. I wondered who it might be this time because there were empty seats all around me. Not much of a chance to talk to anyone.

Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the aisle and filled all the vacant seats, totally surrounding me. 'This is more like it! OK, Lord, which one will it be? Who needs to hear about you?'

I decided to start a conversation. Where are you headed?' I asked the soldier seated nearest to me.

'Chicago -- to Great Lakes Base. We'll be there for two weeks for special training, and then we're being deployed to Iraq .'

After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made that sack lunches were available for five dollars. It would be several hours before we reached Chicago , and I quickly decided a lunch would help pass the time. As I reached for my wallet, I overheard a soldier ask his buddy if he planned to buy lunch. 'No, that seems like a lot of money for just a sack lunch. Probably wouldn't be worth five bucks. I'll wait till we get to Chicago.' His friend agreed. I looked around at the other soldiers. None were buying lunch. I was hungry, but could not bring myself to eat in front of them.

I walked to the back of the plane and handed the flight attendant a fifty dollar bill. 'Take a lunch to all those soldiers.' She grabbed my arms and squeezed tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. 'My son was a soldier in Iraq. It's almost like you are doing it for him.' Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the soldiers were seated.

I forgot about be! Overwhelmed by her emotional response, I returned to my seat. She asked, 'Which do you like best--beef or chicken?' 'Chicken,' I replied, wondering why she asked. She turned and went to the front of plane, returning a minute later with a dinner plate from first class. 'This is your thanks.' Now I felt guilty--I had dinner and the soldiers had only a sack lunch.

After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the plane, heading for the rest room. A man stopped me. 'I saw what you did. I want to be part of it. Here, take this.' He handed me twenty-five dollars.

Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming down the aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he walked, I hoped he was not looking for me, but noticed he was looking at the numbers only on my side of the plane. When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held out his hand, and said, 'I want to shake your hand.' Quickly unfastening my seatbelt I stood and took the Captain's hand. With a booming voice he said, 'I was a soldier and I was a pilot. Once, someone bought me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I never forgot.' I was embarrassed when applause was heard from all of the passengers.

Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch my legs. A man who was seated about six rows in front of me reached out his hand, wanting to shake mine. He left another twenty-five dollars in my palm. When we landed in Chicago I gathered my belongings and started to deplane. Waiting just inside the airplane door was a man who stopped me, put something in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a word. Another twenty-five dollars!

Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their trip to the base. I walked over to them and handed them seventy-five dollars. 'It will take you some time to reach the base. It will be about time for a sandwich. God Bless You.'

Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect of their fellow travelers. As I walked briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer for their safe return. These soldiers were giving their all for our country. I could only give them a couple of meals. It seemed so little....

"What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others."

(Thanks, Frank!)

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Public Announcement

Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON.

Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:

American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company.

Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.

It's a tough market out there. Be careful!

(Thanks, Bill!)

Friday, October 17, 2008

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Pregnant Blonde

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy. I thought, what the heck, and I started jumping up and down along with her.

She said, 'I have some really great news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy'

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more.'

I asked, 'What do you mean 'more'?'

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins!'

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said...(You're going to love this!)

'That was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!

(Thanks, Frank!)

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Monday, October 13, 2008

Hooked on Phonics...

My five-year old students are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, 'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'

I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?''

It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!'

And so it does...

' A f r i c a n Elephant '

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

Now, that's funny... I don't care who you are!

(Thanks, Jayne!)

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Love Story

I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,
The Flu

Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Morris & Esther

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word its fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

(Thanks, Frank!)

ANTHRAX scare in Laramie!

Wyoming Cowboys' football practice was delayed on Monday for nearly two
hours in Laramie. One of the players, while on his way to the locker
room happened to look down and notice a suspicious-looking, unknown
white powdery substance on the practice field.

Head coach Glenn immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called
in to investigate.

After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white
substance unknown to the players was the goal line.

Practice was resumed when FBI Special Agents decided that the team would
not be likely to encounter the substance again.

(I'm thinking they are taking lessons from the Detroit Lions! -- Thanks, Linda!)

Friday, October 10, 2008

Thursday, October 9, 2008

All Puns Intended

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was 'a salted.'

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'. The doc says, 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome. 'Is it common?' asks the man. The doc answers, '... Well, It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja-Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

16.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came outof the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath...This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!

(Thanks, Ron!)

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Who says Nuns don't have a sense of humor...

I am SO hoping this link works. I don't care if you're catholic or not, this is FUNNY!!!!


http://www.entertainmentevents.com/video/late_nite_catechism_2/2/broll.asx

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

An Awwwwwww...


Aren't the wee little ones cute?!
Thanks, Larry!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Prohibition

If you were around in 1919 (just before prohibition started) and came
upon the following poster.........

I mean, seriously, would you quit drinking?

Sunday, October 5, 2008

It's a Meme

I was tagged by http://onthem104.blogspot.com/.

Here are the instructions: What you are supposed to do... and please don't spoil the fun...

Copy/paste, type in your answers and tag four people in your lists!

Don't forget to change my answers to the questions with that of your own.

(A) Four places I go over and over: work, Pet Supplies Plus, Mexican Town and Border's

(B) Four people who e-mail me regularly: Garfield.com, The Breast Cancer Site, Carol and Jayne, (and many friends).

(C) Four of my favourite places to eat: Mexican Town, Belaccino's, Big Boy's on Telegraph, and The Parthenon in GreekTown

(D) Four places you'd rather be: Sigh ... home, home, home, and home ...

(E) Four TV shows I could watch over and over: Eureka, The Big Bang Theory, Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy (what can I say?).

(F) Four people I think will respond: I'm not really sure... maybe http://charliandme.blogspot.com/, http://daintydigs.blogspot.com/, http://grandmafaith.blogspot.com/, and http://nikkicrumpet.blogspot.com/

Funny!

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott & Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on.

If Bud Abbott & Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, Who's on First? might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you - my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why, will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the Windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the Windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business! What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes, No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer: How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store - Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".......

Saturday, October 4, 2008

RETIREMENT PLAN INVESTMENT TIP

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

(Thanks, Jan!)

Friday, October 3, 2008

The Son

A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art. They had
everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They would
often sit together and admire the great works of art.

When the conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very
courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier. The father
was notified and grieved deeply for his only son.

About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the
door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands.

He said, 'Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son
gave his life. He saved many lives that day, an d he was carrying me to
safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He
often talked about you, and your love for art.' The young man held out
this package. 'I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist,
but I think your son would have wanted you to have this.'

The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by
the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the
personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the
eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man
and offered to pay him for the picture. 'Oh, no sir, I could never repay
what your son did for me. It's a gift.'

The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came
to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed
them any of the other great works he had collected.

The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his
paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the
great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their
collection.

On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his
gavel. 'We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who
will bid for this picture

There was silence.

Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, 'We want to see the famous
paintings. Skip this one.'

But the auctioneer persisted. 'Will somebody bid for this painting. Who
will start the bidding? $100, $200?'

Another voice angrily. 'We didn't come to see this painting. We came to
see the Van Goghs, the Rembrandts. Get on with the real bids!'

But still the auctioneer continued. 'The son! The son! Who'll take the
son?'

Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the
longtime gardener of the man and his son. 'I'll give $10 for the
painting.' Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.

'We have $10, who will bid $20?'

'Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters.'

'$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?'

The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture of the son.

They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections.

The auctioneer pounded the gavel. 'Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!'

A man sitting on the second row shouted, 'Now let's get on with the
collection!'

The auctioneer laid down his gavel. 'I'm sorry, the auction is over.'

'What about the paintings?'

I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a
secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that
stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be
auctioned Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate,
including the paintings. The man who took the son gets everything!'

God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on the cross. Much like the
auctioneer, His message today is:

'The son, the son, who'll take the son?'
Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything.

FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD HE GAVE HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON, WHO SO EVER
BELIEVETH, SHALL HAVE ETERNAL LIFE...THAT'S LOVE

Do whatever you like, but remember that maybe 'one' of the people you
might have taken the time to send this to may be just the person who
needs to hear this message. You have a choice to make.

God Bless

This is one of my personal favorites. Thanks, Jan!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Economy Class to Toronto

A plane is on its way to Toronto when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her and asks to see her ticket. The attendant tells the blonde that she paid for Economy Class and she'll have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here.'

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Tornonto and I'm staying right here.'

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde and I speak blonde."

The pilot goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear and she says, 'Oh, I'm sorry,' and gets up and goes back to her seat in Economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot said, "I told her, First Class isn't going to Toronto."

(Thanks, Carol!)

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

We're Not Old. Just Mature

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
We asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, Because of the Seniors Discount.

We went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to us.
He said, For you, Seniors, the coffee is free.
Understand---We're not old---We're merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, We're sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer---can't hear what they say.
Our teeth are our own (We have the receipt.),
and our glasses identify people we meet.
Oh, We've slowed down a bit...not a lot, we're sure.
You see, we're not old...we're only mature.
The gold in our hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorinehas done.
Washing our hair has turned it all white,
But don't call it gray...saying blond is just right.
Our car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, Old duffer...get off of the road!
Our car has no scratches...not even a dent.
Still we get all that guff from a punk who's Hell bent.
Our friends all get older...much faster than us.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what we can see.
We've got character lines, not wrinkles...for sure,
But don't call us old...just call us mature.
The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take...your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why our walking is slow.
But we're keeping up on what's hip and what's new,
And we think we can still dance a mean boogaloo.
We're still in the running...in this we're secure,
We're not really old...WE'RE ONLY MATURE!!


Youth is a gift of nature. Age is a work of art.