Be Careful Out There...

Birthday Clock

Click on the link below and find out some cool stuff about your birthday!

http://www.paulsadowski.com/birthday.asp

Maxine Does it Again

Happy Thanksgiving!

This is why...

I don't put up a Christmas tree (and no, it's not my kitteh, but it is something my two girls would do)!

And then the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, what's on TV?

I said, dust.

And then the fight started.

===========================================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started.

===========================================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started.

===========================================
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply forSocial Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left mywallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started.

============================================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?

''Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.

''My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.

===========================================
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

ESFP - The Performers

The entertaining and friendly type. They are especially attuned to pleasure and beauty and like to fill their surroundings with soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells. They live in the present moment and don´t like to plan ahead - they are always in risk of exhausting themselves. They enjoy work that makes them able to help other people in a concrete and visible way. They tend to avoid conflicts and rarely initiate confrontation - qualities that can make it hard for them in management positions.











I have been Typelayzered!

River Poet over at http://gettheetoapoet.blogspot.com had this cool spot http://www.typealyzer.com/ on her blog, and naturally I had to check it out.

Thanks, River Poet, for pointing me toward Typealyzer, which analyzes blogs based on Meyers-Briggs personality typing. According to the analysis, I am an "ESFP - The Performers" type blogger!

Munsters

http://icanhascheezburger.com/

Spread the Stupidity

Only in America ...... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

________________________________

Only in America..... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

________________________________

Only in America..... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

________________________________

Only in America..... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

________________________________

Only in America...... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

________________________________

Only in America..... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

________________________________

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?________________________________

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?________________________________

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?________________________________

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
________________________________

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?________________________________

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?________________________________

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?________________________________

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?________________________________

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
________________________________

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
________________________________

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?________________________________

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
________________________________

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
________________________________

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?________________________________

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?________________________________

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?________________________________

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)... in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

(Thanks, Jan!)

Family

My sister is coming for the weekend! Wahoo!!

So, my posting may be a little wonky until after Monday!

Success

http://icanhascheezburger.com/

Tagged...

I've been tagged!.......

I've been tagged by my good friend Carol, at http://charliandme.blogspot.com/. She has lovely posts about tea and cider mills and turkeys and family.... please pay her a visit. I guarantee that you will love her spot!

This is how the tag works.......

Share seven random or weird Book facts about yourself.Then tag seven other people.

Notify the seven others that they have been tagged.

So here goes.....

1. If someone loans me a hardcover book, I make a book jacket out of paper so that I don't get finger prints all over the cover.

2. One of the scariest books I ever read was Christine.

3. I love Sherlock Holmes, Ellery Queen and Agatha Christie.

4. I have some of the books that I used to read to my son when he was little. They are of of great sentimental value to me. I loved to read to him and he now reads some of the same books to his kids.

5. I used to walk from my house to the Public Library on Fort St. by Southwestern every other day. I would take out 3 books at a time.

6. I love to read Nicholas Sparks' books. My friend buys them and lets me read them first. I think I've read everything he has written!

7. I have all the Harry Potter books, AND I've pre-ordered JK's new one!

The following people are the seven I have chosen for the tag. If you are not on the list and would like to participate please feel free. Just leave me a comment so I will have the opportunity to read your post...

1. Jayne over at http://daintydigs.blogspot.com/
2. St. Blogwen over at http://www.sowsearhouse.blogspot.com/
3. Larry over at http://simpsonsfolly.blogspot.com/
4. Miss Kitty over at http://educatedandpoor.blogspot.com/
5. Nathan over at http://nodaknateinnyc.blogspot.com/
6. Anita over at http://vasavana.blogspot.com/
7. Julie over at http://celticanamcara.blogspot.com/

Enjoy!

Maxine - My Hero!

Senior Funny

Thanks, Carol & Ron! I am so glad someone worked out a chart to put my life in perspective! LOL!!

3 Old Guys

'Sixty is the worst age to be,' said the 60-year-old man. 'You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.'

'Ah, that's nothin,' said the 70-year-old. 'When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!'

'Actually,' said the 80-year -old, 'Eighty is the worst age of all.'

'Do you have trouble peeing, too?' asked the 60-year old.

'No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.'

'So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?'

'No, I have one every morning at 6:30.'

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, 'You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?'

'I don't wake up until 7:00.'

Get Out of the Car

This could probably be me at some point... LOL!!!

Happy Birthday, Sissy

Today my wonderful, smart, funny, best friend, sister (she's the one holding squirmy Sydney) turns 81! She is one a million, and I am so glad she is my sister!

Mid-life Crisis

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Darling, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.

'Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.'

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.

(Thanks, Frank!)

Will Rogers

A Great Man.. With an unusually wise sense of humor. I've always enjoyed reading his stuff...........

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wiley Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

(Thanks, Linda!)

In Honor...

Depressed Economy

http://icanhascheezburger.com/

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily Thought:
"Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs."

(Thanks, Larry!)

A Small Rant

You know, I have worked hard for what I have. I take pride in what I have.

And then, there are those who don't care what you have or how hard you've worked for what you have or the fact that you take great pains to keep what you have nice.

Like the jerk that keyed my car. I don't know the reason, nor do I care. The fact that someone is SUCH A JERK makes me want to knock his/her block off! I just couldn't believe my eyes.

There. I feel better already. Thanks for listening!

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING -- SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AUNTS and anyone else who has anything to do with kids or just needs a good laugh!!

911 Calls

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich . Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot ! This is her husband!


And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

(Thanks, Jan!)

The Banana Test

The Banana Test

There is a very, very tall cocoanut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by.

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree. Who do you guess will win? Your answer will reflect your personality. So think carefully . . .. Try and answer within 30 seconds !!!

Got your answer? Now scroll down to see the analysis.



If your answer is:
Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're a moron.
Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.

A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.

Obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should take some time off and relax! Try again next year. Yeah ............. I fell for it too!!!

Thanks, Jayne!

Vote

Don't forget to vote!

A little food for thought:

If there is a country in the world where concord, according to common calculation, would be least expected, it is America. Made up, as it is, of people from different nations, accustomed to different forms and habits of government, speaking different languages, and more different in their modes of worship, it would appear that the union of such a people was impracticable. But by the simple operation of constructing government on the principles of society and the rights of man, every difficulty retires, and the parts are brought into cordial unison.

Thomas Paine 1737-1809

By our vote we make and become part of history today.

Dear Cheeseburger...

Florida Business...

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.

'No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling *ss-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

Seniors - don't mess with them!

(Thanks, Frank!)

Waiting for Pumpkin Pie...

Happy November!