Absolutely Priceless

THIS IS TOO SWEET FOR WORDS!!!

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it."

(Thanks, Bill!)

A Letter From Target...

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2 : Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here."

Regards,

Tom Richards,
Target Manager

Weekend Wandering

authorblog: Weekend Wandering

The question is: Who was the most important person in your childhood?

Well, actually, there were 4. My mother and father, and my sister and brother-in-law.

My Dad taught me to have a strong sense of right and wrong, my mother did without to give me things I needed, and my sister and brother-in-law gave me some of the things my parents couldn't.

There are so many memories.

I think I am a stronger person today because there was never enough money so I learned to appreciate the things that I had because I knew there was sacrifice involved in me having them. It gave me a drive as I grew into a teenager and then an adult to give to others that have far less than I have. My life is rich beyond all measure because of those 4 very important people in my childhood. You cannot put a price on that.

NJ Cops

Two men were driving through New Jersey when they got pulled over by a NJ cop. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolled down the window and WHACK," the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the h*ll was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in New Jersey, son," the cop answered. "When we pull you over in New Jersey, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer, " the driver said, "I'm from New York and didn't know your laws here."

The cop runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back.

The cop then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the cop.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know you New Yorkers," the cop says, "two miles down the road; you're gonna turn to your buddy and say....." I wish that *sshole would 've tried that sh*t with me!"

Dear Abby...

Dear Abby,

I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates me. In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the "B" word. He constantly tells me how uglyI am without make-up. I've tried everything, includinga face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.

He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his office. He hasn't even looked for another job. We haven't slept together since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but everybody knew it. It was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.

While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months. My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should wait awhile. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff. Do you think he is planning to leave me?

Signed, Worried in NY

Dear Worried in NY:

I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.

Smart Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the d*mn cat on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

Gas

Hope it doesn't come to this!

Aprons

I don't think our kids know what an apron is.

The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven. It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears .

From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.

When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids. And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms.

Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove. Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.

From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls. In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.

When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.

When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.

It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that 'old-time apron' that served so many purposes.

REMEMBER: Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool. Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw. (They would go crazy now trying to figure out how many germs was on that apron. I don't think I ever caught anything from a Apron.)

The Day God Spilled The Paint...

The east side of the Carrizo plain, in the Temblor Range,

about 50 miles due west of Bakersfield, California.

Photo taken by Barbara Mathews, May 14, 2005.

Nothing man can do could ever equal the glory of God's creations.

The Day GOD SPILLED THE PAINT!

The Interview With God...

This is awesome! Enjoy!

http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com/popup-frame.html

Computers

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"'House,' for example, is feminine: 'la casa. 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'"

One student asked, "What gender is 'computer?'"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher divided the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to determine the answer for themselves whether "computer" is a masculine or feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" is definitely a feminine noun, for the following reasons:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (This gets better . . . )

The women's group, however, concluded that "computer" is definitely a masculine noun, because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data, but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

My windows are open!

Today is such a lovely day. The air smells so good. I can hear Harleys rumbling on the highway (it's a good sound to me) and the sound of classic cars as they are headed off to this show or that show (one of my favorite things to do -- schmooze through classic car shows). The birds are all in a twitter (I think they're courting) and the squirrel is filling his little face with the corn we've put out for him (so he'll leave the bird seed alone - HA, fat chance). We (well, actually hubby) raked up some of the leaves and some of the straw that I put down in the fall to keep the plants all snug and warm through the winter. It's suppose to rain (you can't imagine the number of people I heard complain about THAT today), but that's OK because you have to have rain in April for May flowers. My daffodils are blooming - HURRAY!!! All in all, I am happier than a clam! LOL

Tickets...

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

13 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.
14 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after a while.
15 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
16 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
17 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
18 "You don't know how fast you were going?I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
19 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
20 "Warning! You want a warning? OK. I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
21 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
22 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
23 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
24 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
25 "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
26 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
27 "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....
28 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Secret Catholic Stuff...

CLASSIFIED - F.C.E.O. (For Catholic Eyes Only) - and no, I'm not Catholic...

This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams. JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (For you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy.)
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman. USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Three Trees

Once three were three trees on a hill in the woods. They were discussing their hopes and dreams when the first tree said, 'Someday I hope to be a treasure chest. I could be filled with gold, silver and precious gems. I could be decorated with intricate carving and everyone would see the beauty.'

Then the second tree said, 'Someday I will be a mighty ship. I will take Kings and Queens across the waters and sail to the corners of the world. Everyone will feel safe in me because of the strength of my hull.'

Finally the third tree said, 'I want to grow to be the tallest and straightest Tree in the forest. People will see me on top of the hill and look up to my branches, and think of the heavens and God and how close to them I am reaching. I will be the greatest tree of all time and people will always remember me.'

After a few years of praying that their dreams would come true, a group of woodsmen came upon the trees. When one came to the first tree he said, 'This looks like a strong tree, I think I should be able to sell the wood to a carpenter, 'and he began cutting it down. The tree was happy, because he knew that the carpenter would make him into a treasure chest. At the second tree the woodsman said, 'This looks like a strong tree. I should be able to sell it to the shipyard.' The second tree was happy because he knew he was on his way to becoming a mighty ship. When the woodsmen came upon the third tree, the tree was frightened because he knew that if they cut him down his dreams would not come true. One of the woodsmen said, 'I don't need anything special from my tree, I'll take this one,' and he cut it down.

When the first tree arrived at the carpenters, he was made into a feed box for animals. He was then placed in a barn and filled with hay. This was not at all what he had prayed for.

The second tree was cut and made into a small fishing boat. His dreams of being a mighty ship and carrying kings had come to an end.

The third tree was cut into large pieces, and left alone in the dark.

The years went by, and the trees forgot about their dreams.

Then one day, a man and woman came to the barn. She gave birth and they placed the baby in the hay in the feed box that was made from the first tree. The man wished that he could have made a crib for the baby, but this manger would have to do. The tree could feel the importance of this event and knew that it had held the greatest treasure of all time.

Years later, a group of men got in the fishing boat made from the second tree. One of them was tired and went to sleep. While they were out on the water, a great storm arose and the tree didn't think it was strong enough to keep the men safe. The men woke the sleeping man, and He stood and said 'Peace' and the storm stopped. At this time, the tree knew that it had carried the King of Kings in its boat.

Finally, someone came and got the third tree. It was carried through the streets as the people mocked the man who was carrying it. When they came to a stop, the man was nailed to the tree and raised in the air to die at the top of a hill. When Sunday came, the tree came to realize that it was strong enough to stand at the top of the hill and be as close to God as was possible, because Jesus had been crucified on it.

The moral of this story is that when things don't seem to be going your way, always know that God has a plan for you. If you place your trust in Him, God will give you great gifts. Each of the trees got what they wanted, just not in the way they had imagined. We don't always know what God's plans are for us. We just know that His Ways are not our ways, but His ways are always best.

May your day be blessed. And until we meet again, may God cradle you in the palm of His hand.

I Just Couldn't Resist This One...

Silent Fart

An elderly couple is attending Mass.

About halfway through, she leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aide!”

Senior Moment....

(This will probably be the "hubs" and I, if we live that long....)

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'

God's Pharmacy

A sliced carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye ... and YES science now shows that carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.

A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart is red and has four chambers. All of the research shows tomatoes are indeed pure heart and blood food.

Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows that grapes are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food.

A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums. Even the wrinkles or folds are on the nut just like the neo-cortex. We now know that walnuts help develop over 3 dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function.

Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.

Celery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and more look just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don't have enough sodium in your diet the body pulls it from the bones, making them weak. These foods replenish skeletal needs of the body.

Eggplant, Avocados and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today's research shows that when a woman eats 1 avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight and prevents cervical cancers. And how profound is this? .... It takes exactly 9 months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them).

Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the motility of male sperm and increase the numbers of sperm as well to overcome male sterility.

Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas and actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics.

Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries.

Grapefruits, oranges and other citrus fruits look just like the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.

Onions look like body cells. Today's research shows that onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes.

Thanks, Carol!

The Cherokee Legend

Thanks to my friend Frank from up north for this one.

The Cherokee Indian Legend :

Do you know the legend of the Cherokee Indian youth's rite of passage?

His father takes him into the forest, blindfolds him and leaves him alone.

He is required to sit on a stump the whole night and not remove the blindfold until the rays of the morning sun shine through it. He cannot cry out for help to anyone. Once he survives the night, he is a MAN.

He cannot tell the other boys of this experience because each lad must come into manhood on his own.

The boy is naturally terrified. He can hear all kinds of noises. Wild beasts must surely be all around him. Maybe even some human might do him harm. The wind blew the grass and earth, and shook his stump, but he sat stoically, never removing the blindfold. It would be the only way he could become a man!

Finally, after a horrific night, the sun appeared and he removed his blindfold. It was then that he discovered his father sitting on the stump next to him. He had been at watch the entire night, protecting his son from harm.

We, too, are never alone. Even when we don't know it, our Heavenly Father is watching over us, sitting on the stump beside us. When trouble comes, all we have to do is reach out to Him.

If you liked this story, pass it on. If not, perhaps you took off your blindfold before dawn.

MORAL OF THIS STORY:
Just because you can't see God, doesn't mean He is not there - 'For we walk by faith, not by sight.' --2 Corinthians 5:7

Sigh....

It is snowing on the brand new leaves on my snowball bush.

Men are from...

Compliments of Larry!

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men.... that night all three will wear a black leather bra, stilettos and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cm stiletto highheels and mask. He saw me and said: "You are the woman of my life, I love you"... then we made love all night long.

The mistress: "Ah! Me, too. The other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.... but we had wild sex all night.

"The married one: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready-- leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband comes back from work, opens the door and says:

"Hi, Batman! What's for dinner?"