Public Announcement

Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON.

Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:

American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company.

Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.

It's a tough market out there. Be careful!

(Thanks, Bill!)

Best First Dance Ever...

This is pretty good! Enjoy!

http://www.snotr.com/video/1299

Lovely Painting

www.JamesBrowne.net

Pregnant Blonde

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy. I thought, what the heck, and I started jumping up and down along with her.

She said, 'I have some really great news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy'

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more.'

I asked, 'What do you mean 'more'?'

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins!'

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said...(You're going to love this!)

'That was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!

(Thanks, Frank!)

Something Funny

Hooked on Phonics...

My five-year old students are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, 'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'

I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?''

It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!'

And so it does...

' A f r i c a n Elephant '

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

Now, that's funny... I don't care who you are!

(Thanks, Jayne!)

Love Story

I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,
The Flu

Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

Morris & Esther

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word its fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

(Thanks, Frank!)

ANTHRAX scare in Laramie!

Wyoming Cowboys' football practice was delayed on Monday for nearly two
hours in Laramie. One of the players, while on his way to the locker
room happened to look down and notice a suspicious-looking, unknown
white powdery substance on the practice field.

Head coach Glenn immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called
in to investigate.

After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white
substance unknown to the players was the goal line.

Practice was resumed when FBI Special Agents decided that the team would
not be likely to encounter the substance again.

(I'm thinking they are taking lessons from the Detroit Lions! -- Thanks, Linda!)

Maxine

All Puns Intended

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was 'a salted.'

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'. The doc says, 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome. 'Is it common?' asks the man. The doc answers, '... Well, It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja-Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

16.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came outof the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath...This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!

(Thanks, Ron!)

Who says Nuns don't have a sense of humor...

I am SO hoping this link works. I don't care if you're catholic or not, this is FUNNY!!!!


http://www.entertainmentevents.com/video/late_nite_catechism_2/2/broll.asx

An Awwwwwww...

Aren't the wee little ones cute?!

Thanks, Larry!

Prohibition

If you were around in 1919 (just before prohibition started) and came
upon the following poster.........

I mean, seriously, would you quit drinking?

It's a Meme

I was tagged by http://onthem104.blogspot.com/.

Here are the instructions: What you are supposed to do... and please don't spoil the fun...

Copy/paste, type in your answers and tag four people in your lists!

Don't forget to change my answers to the questions with that of your own.

(A) Four places I go over and over: work, Pet Supplies Plus, Mexican Town and Border's

(B) Four people who e-mail me regularly: Garfield.com, The Breast Cancer Site, Carol and Jayne, (and many friends).

(C) Four of my favourite places to eat: Mexican Town, Belaccino's, Big Boy's on Telegraph, and The Parthenon in GreekTown

(D) Four places you'd rather be: Sigh ... home, home, home, and home ...

(E) Four TV shows I could watch over and over: Eureka, The Big Bang Theory, Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy (what can I say?).

(F) Four people I think will respond: I'm not really sure... maybe http://charliandme.blogspot.com/, http://daintydigs.blogspot.com/, http://grandmafaith.blogspot.com/, and http://nikkicrumpet.blogspot.com/

Funny!

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott & Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on.

If Bud Abbott & Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, Who's on First? might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you - my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why, will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the Windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the Windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business! What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes, No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer: How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store - Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".......

RETIREMENT PLAN INVESTMENT TIP

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

(Thanks, Jan!)

The Son

A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art. They had
everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They would
often sit together and admire the great works of art.

When the conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very
courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier. The father
was notified and grieved deeply for his only son.

About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the
door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands.

He said, 'Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son
gave his life. He saved many lives that day, an d he was carrying me to
safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He
often talked about you, and your love for art.' The young man held out
this package. 'I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist,
but I think your son would have wanted you to have this.'

The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by
the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the
personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the
eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man
and offered to pay him for the picture. 'Oh, no sir, I could never repay
what your son did for me. It's a gift.'

The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came
to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed
them any of the other great works he had collected.

The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his
paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the
great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their
collection.

On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his
gavel. 'We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who
will bid for this picture

There was silence.

Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, 'We want to see the famous
paintings. Skip this one.'

But the auctioneer persisted. 'Will somebody bid for this painting. Who
will start the bidding? $100, $200?'

Another voice angrily. 'We didn't come to see this painting. We came to
see the Van Goghs, the Rembrandts. Get on with the real bids!'

But still the auctioneer continued. 'The son! The son! Who'll take the
son?'

Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the
longtime gardener of the man and his son. 'I'll give $10 for the
painting.' Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.

'We have $10, who will bid $20?'

'Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters.'

'$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?'

The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture of the son.

They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections.

The auctioneer pounded the gavel. 'Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!'

A man sitting on the second row shouted, 'Now let's get on with the
collection!'

The auctioneer laid down his gavel. 'I'm sorry, the auction is over.'

'What about the paintings?'

I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a
secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that
stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be
auctioned Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate,
including the paintings. The man who took the son gets everything!'

God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on the cross. Much like the
auctioneer, His message today is:

'The son, the son, who'll take the son?'
Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything.

FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD HE GAVE HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON, WHO SO EVER
BELIEVETH, SHALL HAVE ETERNAL LIFE...THAT'S LOVE

Do whatever you like, but remember that maybe 'one' of the people you
might have taken the time to send this to may be just the person who
needs to hear this message. You have a choice to make.

God Bless

This is one of my personal favorites. Thanks, Jan!

Economy Class to Toronto

A plane is on its way to Toronto when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her and asks to see her ticket. The attendant tells the blonde that she paid for Economy Class and she'll have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here.'

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Tornonto and I'm staying right here.'

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde and I speak blonde."

The pilot goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear and she says, 'Oh, I'm sorry,' and gets up and goes back to her seat in Economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot said, "I told her, First Class isn't going to Toronto."

(Thanks, Carol!)

We're Not Old. Just Mature

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.

From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.

We asked for the cause of a lesser amount;

And he answered, Because of the Seniors Discount.

We went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;

And there, once again, got quite a surprise.

The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to us.

He said, For you, Seniors, the coffee is free.

Understand---We're not old---We're merely mature;

But some things are changing, temporarily, We're sure.

The newspaper print gets smaller each day,

And people speak softer---can't hear what they say.

Our teeth are our own (We have the receipt.),

and our glasses identify people we meet.

Oh, We've slowed down a bit...not a lot, we're sure.

You see, we're not old...we're only mature.

The gold in our hair has been bleached by the sun.

You should see all the damage that chlorinehas done.

Washing our hair has turned it all white,

But don't call it gray...saying blond is just right.

Our car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed.

Yet a kid yells, Old duffer...get off of the road!

Our car has no scratches...not even a dent.

Still we get all that guff from a punk who's Hell bent.

Our friends all get older...much faster than us.

They seem much more wrinkled, from what we can see.
We've got character lines, not wrinkles...for sure,

But don't call us old...just call us mature.

The steps in the houses they're building today

Are so high that they take...your breath all away;

And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.

That should explain why our walking is slow.

But we're keeping up on what's hip and what's new,

And we think we can still dance a mean boogaloo.

We're still in the running...in this we're secure,
We're not really old...WE'RE ONLY MATURE!!

Youth is a gift of nature. Age is a work of art.

Something to tickle your funny bone!

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6..You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps!
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up!!!!
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27..The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28..The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!Life is too short and friends are too few!

Thanks, Wing!