What this thing is still active?
16 years ago
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Friday, May 1, 2009
The Bathtub Test
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE??
(Thanks, Michele!)
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE??
(Thanks, Michele!)
Thursday, April 30, 2009
A Letter to the Editor
This was written by a Canadian woman, but oh how it also applies to the U.S., U.K. and Australia
THIS ONE PACKS A FIRM PUNCH
Here is a woman who should run for Prime Minister! Written by a housewife in New Brunswick, to her local newspaper. This is one ticked off lady.
'Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001 and have continually threatened to do so since?
Were people from all over the world, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan, across the Potomac from the nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania?
Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they?And I'm supposed to care that a few Taliban were claiming to be tortured by a justice system of the nation they come from and are fighting against a brutal insurgency.
I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.
I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere belief of which is a crime punishable by beheading in Afghanistan.
I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed throat.
I'll care when the cowardly so-called 'insurgents' in Afghanistan come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques.
I'll care when the mindless zealots who blows themselves up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs.
I'll care when the Canadian media stops pretending that their freedom of speech on stories is more important than lives of the soldiers on the ground or their families waiting at home to hear about them when something happens.
In the meantime, when I hear a story about a CANADIAN soldier roughing up an Insurgent terrorist to obtain information, know this:
I don't care.
When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank:
I don't care.
When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and 'fed special' food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being 'mishandled,' you can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts:
I don't care.
And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled 'Koran' and other times 'Quran..
'Well, Jimmy Crack Corn you guessed it,
I don't care!!'
If you agree with this viewpoint, pass this on to all your E-mail friends. Sooner or later, it'll get to the people responsible for this ridiculous behaviour!
If you don't agree, then by all means hit the delete button. Should you choose the latter, then please don't complain when more atrocities committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great Country!
And may I add:
'Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Soldiers don't have that problem.'
I have another quote that I would like to add, AND........I hope you forward all this.
One last thought for the day:
Only five defining forces have ever offered to die for you:
1. Jesus Christ
2. The Canadian Soldier.
3. The British Soldier.
4. The US Soldier, and
5. The Australian Soldier
One died for your soul, the other 4 for your freedom. YOU MIGHT WANT TO PASS THIS ON, AS MANY SEEM TO FORGET ALL OF THEM.
AMEN!
I got this email from a friend and liked what it said so much that I decided to post it here.
THIS ONE PACKS A FIRM PUNCH
Here is a woman who should run for Prime Minister! Written by a housewife in New Brunswick, to her local newspaper. This is one ticked off lady.
'Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001 and have continually threatened to do so since?
Were people from all over the world, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan, across the Potomac from the nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania?
Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they?And I'm supposed to care that a few Taliban were claiming to be tortured by a justice system of the nation they come from and are fighting against a brutal insurgency.
I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.
I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere belief of which is a crime punishable by beheading in Afghanistan.
I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed throat.
I'll care when the cowardly so-called 'insurgents' in Afghanistan come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques.
I'll care when the mindless zealots who blows themselves up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs.
I'll care when the Canadian media stops pretending that their freedom of speech on stories is more important than lives of the soldiers on the ground or their families waiting at home to hear about them when something happens.
In the meantime, when I hear a story about a CANADIAN soldier roughing up an Insurgent terrorist to obtain information, know this:
I don't care.
When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank:
I don't care.
When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and 'fed special' food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being 'mishandled,' you can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts:
I don't care.
And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled 'Koran' and other times 'Quran..
'Well, Jimmy Crack Corn you guessed it,
I don't care!!'
If you agree with this viewpoint, pass this on to all your E-mail friends. Sooner or later, it'll get to the people responsible for this ridiculous behaviour!
If you don't agree, then by all means hit the delete button. Should you choose the latter, then please don't complain when more atrocities committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great Country!
And may I add:
'Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Soldiers don't have that problem.'
I have another quote that I would like to add, AND........I hope you forward all this.
One last thought for the day:
Only five defining forces have ever offered to die for you:
1. Jesus Christ
2. The Canadian Soldier.
3. The British Soldier.
4. The US Soldier, and
5. The Australian Soldier
One died for your soul, the other 4 for your freedom. YOU MIGHT WANT TO PASS THIS ON, AS MANY SEEM TO FORGET ALL OF THEM.
AMEN!
I got this email from a friend and liked what it said so much that I decided to post it here.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Wow!
While sitting here trying to thing of something clever to post my eye happened to catch the number of posts. The magic number? A whopping 516! Can you believe it?! I sure couldn't! I'm amazed.
It is so much fun doing this. Every once in awhile I post something from the heart or a personal observation, but what I love doing the most is making sure everyone who stops here get a boost to their heart... in other words, a laugh.
I love reading all of the other blogs in my very long list of favorites. I love them all. Some are blogs in exotic places with beautiful pictures of faraway places, some are about the wonderful people that make up their families, and I do love the houseblogs... loving restorations, amazing renovations, detailed project instructions, making silk purses out of sows ears... some are poetry, and some are full of fun things to participate in. There's Dogs on Thursday, Blue Mondays, Wordless Wednesdays... fabulous! Just absolutely fabulous!
Well, I didn't mean to get carried away... I think I just wanted to say:
You are all wonderful and your special spots are awesome! Thanks for being out there, for coming here, and for becoming my friends -- espcially for becoming my friends.
I think I might have just the right award for all of you.
Yep. Here it is:
Monday, April 27, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
New Orleans Crabs
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some men think.
(Thanks, Michele!)
He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some men think.
(Thanks, Michele!)
Saturday, April 25, 2009
NBC Poll
It's easy! Just click open and then click your vote, done. It thought I might post something that gives people a chance to vote how they feel!
Here's your chance to let the media know where the people stand on our faith in God, as a nation. NBC has been taking a poll for some time on "In God We Trust" and whether it should stay on our American currency.
Please send this to every Christian you know so they can vote on this important subject. Please do it right away, before NBC takes this off their web page. Poll is still open so you can vote: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10103521/
If that link doesn't work, try this one!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10103521/
Here's your chance to let the media know where the people stand on our faith in God, as a nation. NBC has been taking a poll for some time on "In God We Trust" and whether it should stay on our American currency.
Please send this to every Christian you know so they can vote on this important subject. Please do it right away, before NBC takes this off their web page. Poll is still open so you can vote: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10103521/
If that link doesn't work, try this one!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10103521/
Friday, April 24, 2009
Tennessee Rules for Newcomers
THE RULES OF RURAL TENNESSEE ARE AS FOLLOWS: LISTEN UP CITY SLICKERS!!!!
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you, get over it. Don't like it? I-40 goes east and west, I-65 goes north and south. Pick one.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. we're impressed. We have $100,000 tractors and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. So every person in rural Tennessee waves. We think of it as being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat taters & gravy, beans & cornbread. We fry our fish after catchin' 'em. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The 'opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held on the Monday before Thanksgiving.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order country ham or fried chicken or you can order the chef's salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats (includes fish), vegetables, and breads. We use four spices: salt, pepper, hot sauce and ketchup. Oh, yeah, we don't care what you folks in Jersey call that stuff you eat.... it ain't realy chili!!!
13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, and have long hair.
15. College and high school football is as important here as pro ball, and a dang site more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards-- it spooks the fish.
17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have state universities, community colleges, and vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.
18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thymp noise ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. (Refer back to #1).
20. 4 inches isn't a blizzard -- it's a flurry. Drive in it like you got some sense, and don't take all our bread, milk, and toilet paper from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska, worst case scenario you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades will have you out the next day.
GOD BLESS YA'LL NOW YA HEAR!
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you, get over it. Don't like it? I-40 goes east and west, I-65 goes north and south. Pick one.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. we're impressed. We have $100,000 tractors and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. So every person in rural Tennessee waves. We think of it as being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat taters & gravy, beans & cornbread. We fry our fish after catchin' 'em. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The 'opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held on the Monday before Thanksgiving.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order country ham or fried chicken or you can order the chef's salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats (includes fish), vegetables, and breads. We use four spices: salt, pepper, hot sauce and ketchup. Oh, yeah, we don't care what you folks in Jersey call that stuff you eat.... it ain't realy chili!!!
13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, and have long hair.
15. College and high school football is as important here as pro ball, and a dang site more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards-- it spooks the fish.
17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have state universities, community colleges, and vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.
18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thymp noise ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. (Refer back to #1).
20. 4 inches isn't a blizzard -- it's a flurry. Drive in it like you got some sense, and don't take all our bread, milk, and toilet paper from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska, worst case scenario you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades will have you out the next day.
GOD BLESS YA'LL NOW YA HEAR!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
The International Space Station
MUST see:
I had no idea…..
This is very cool... click on each item for further graphics... a lot of hardware out there
http://i.usatoday.net/tech/graphics/iss_timeline/flash.htm
I had no idea…..
This is very cool... click on each item for further graphics... a lot of hardware out there
http://i.usatoday.net/tech/graphics/iss_timeline/flash.htm
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Senior Humor
Well, I can relate to most of these!
From the American Association Of Retired People
Questions and Answers from AARP Forum:
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ..."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?
From the American Association Of Retired People
Questions and Answers from AARP Forum:
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ..."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?
Monday, April 20, 2009
The Old Rancher
An RCMP officer stops at a ranch up in Iron Mountain, B.C. and talks with the old ranch owner.
He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authorityof the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.. on any land, no questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer running for his life, and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The officer is clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs........ 'Your badge! Show him your badge!'
He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authorityof the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.. on any land, no questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer running for his life, and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The officer is clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs........ 'Your badge! Show him your badge!'
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Juggler
GOTTA LOVE US MICHIGANDERS:
A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles North of the Michigan/Indiana State line.
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Wayne, IN to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.
He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to show. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from Michigan got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, 'You might as well take me to jail, ain't no way I can pass that test.'
(Thanks, Brenda!)
A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles North of the Michigan/Indiana State line.
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Wayne, IN to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.
He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to show. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from Michigan got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, 'You might as well take me to jail, ain't no way I can pass that test.'
(Thanks, Brenda!)
Saturday, April 18, 2009
God vs. Scientist
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did 'in the beginning'."
"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
"Well", says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,
(I love this)
"..Get your own dirt."
(Thanks, Ron!)
"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
"Well", says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,
(I love this)
"..Get your own dirt."
(Thanks, Ron!)
Friday, April 17, 2009
Dell
Well, I finally had to do it. I kept dragging my feet, but it had to happen. I ordered a new computer today. My poor Windows ME is not cutting it in the modern world. It has been a great computer, and I don't have too many issues with it, but the things that work with that program are becoming fewer and fewer. Of course, I did manage to figure out a way to get Windows XP with the ability to upgrade to Vista (or someother OS) later!
So, sometime around the beginning of May I will hopefully be up and running with the new system.
In the meantime, though, I am hoping she still serves me well.
So, sometime around the beginning of May I will hopefully be up and running with the new system.
In the meantime, though, I am hoping she still serves me well.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
For Sale...
All my stocks and bonds are gone.
This is all I have left, and I'm forced to sell it to buy beans and bacon for the table.
Thanks to my niece, Linda, from Casper, Wyoming!
This is all I have left, and I'm forced to sell it to buy beans and bacon for the table.
Thanks to my niece, Linda, from Casper, Wyoming!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
New Mathematics
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_______________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
________________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_________________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. _________________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. _________________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. _________________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_________________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_______________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. _________________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. _________________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. _________________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
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